While I feel like this is a topic that I am an expert on, it took me a while to write this post. I would have never even thought about writing a blog post on how to handle this busy time until someone specifically asked me to. Even before that, I got a ton of questions on how I keep a positive attitude and what keeps me going. Let me tell ya, it’s not easy. 

First of all, I should give a little background information for those of you who do not know me well. My husband, Jay, is in his second year of law school at Duke. We have a one and a half year old girl named Hollings, who I stay home with. We are both very busy. I’m going to be completely honest with you guys, I tell Jay all the time that if we weren’t married and living together, I don’t think I would be able to handle it. Even though Jay goes to school all day and studies from the time he gets home until 1-2am, I at least get to see him in passing around the house here and there. He also studies from home a lot, and even though we won’t be spending time together, it still makes me happy knowing he’s in the house. 

If you are in a long distance relationship with someone who is in an intense graduate program, I take my hat off to you. Jay doesn’t get nights or weekends off of studying, so when I try to picture what our relationship would look like if we were doing long distance, I quickly realize that I would really struggle. Whether living together or living 1,000 miles apart, I’m going to give some tips on how to keep your relationship a priority during this busy time. 

1. Set a time and date for important time together

This is something that Jay and I have NOT always had to do, so getting used to doing it was an adjustment. I know that if I want guaranteed time with Jay, it requires planning. I know he has to get out his calendar and actually put it in there so he won’t forget. We do this for all different occasions, from big outings together (parties/get togethers with friends), to date nights, to just simply planning on him to go to bed before midnight. Seriously. On a Tuesday, I will say to him, “I want you to come to bed at 10 on Saturday.” Planning ahead helps, because it gives me something to look forward to when I start to get down about how little I see him. It also helps Jay, because he knows in advance how he will have to manage his time.

2. Find your one time a day that you spend together

Whether it’s a cup of coffee together in the morning, a glass of wine together at night, or meeting for lunch during the day, find that one little time when you’re both doing something you’d already be doing anyway, and do it together. Our time is dinner. We have dinner as a family every night and then give Hollings a bath together. Of course, there are exceptions. If Jay has an important dinner, a meeting, a study session, etc. to go to, he’ll obviously miss dinner. This time together is just for when he’s already at home and studying, which is most nights. If you’re doing long distance, maybe you could try face timing while you both have your morning cup of coffee or even just for a little while each night before you go to bed.

3. When you do spend time together, make in meaningful

What I mean by this is instead of just watching Netflix and falling asleep, actually talk to each other. Instead of spending the whole time on your phones, ask each other questions. This doesn’t mean that Jay and I don’t watch Netflix when we spend time together, because we do. Just make sure you’re making time for those meaningful conversations, so that the two of you can stay connected.

4. Give each other grace

There will be moments when you’ll want to pull your hair out and scream just so your significant other will pay you more attention. There will also be times when they will want to pull their hair out and scream just for you to understand that they would rather be spending time with you than doing work, but the work has to be done (a conversation that Jay and I have had many times). Just be patient with each other. You are both doing the best you can. Listen to each other and tell each other how you feel, but remember to be reasonable. 

5. Say sweet things to each other

Remember to say “I’m so proud of you” or “I’m so lucky to be with you” or even just “I love you” every now and then. That advice is for anyone in a relationship, not just those of you who are with someone who is extra busy. If you get OUT of the habit of saying sweet things to each other regularly, it’ll become awkward and weird whenever you do want to say them. You’ll find that you’ll just stop all together, and that’s when the love fades, so don’t let that happen.

6. Remember that it’s not permanent

I know firsthand that when you’re in the middle of a phase like this, it feels like it’s going to last forever. But it’s not. It is a short phase of life. Every lawyer that I have talked to has said that practicing law is way better than law school. I’m not kidding. I have not met one who says the opposite. If I can find encouragement in this, you can too.

7. Try not to wish this time away

While I just said above that this is only a phase of life that we have to get through, it still is a chunk of your life. Try to really take in the good times. This time might be exceptionally tough, but who’s to say you won’t go through another tough time? Life will never ever be perfect, no matter how much we want it to. Try to enjoy this time as best you can.